I had difficulty breathing...!

I had difficulty breathing. It is like that in old age. Can't say it is actually a difficulty in breathing. Just a kind of breathelessness when I think of my ten children whom I brought to this world and tendered and nurtured so dearly through poverty and lack of everything except a small house and a devoted husband.

They all grew up in the difficulties. At times it was lack of food, at times it was absence of immediarte necessities other than food. The house is going to fall! The well we used to draw water is going dry, needs cleaning and deepening! A son or daughter is seriously sick! Or I am about to deliv er my next child and there is no money to go to the hospital. When I think of all that, I have difficulty in breathing.

I delivered ten children in a matter of twenty six years. The first two were boys, the next two were girls. The first girl died of 'karappan' a kind of skin disease which breaks up the skin surface, mostly on the legs. The treatment for the same is by ayurvedic potions and oils suggested by the local vaidyas (who were the ayurvedic doctors of old and their medications were mostly effective in almost all cases but the unfortunate few, of course, could not pull it out). I bore six more children in the long run and they were all slowly coming up through thick and thin. As soon as my little boys were in school they also started helping me at home as much as they could.

But then, there were their youngsters to be looked after which made house hold work a real job of twenty four hours every day. No body ever called it a 24 x 7 job in those days. Every thing started from the very early morning with the early chatting of birds. But then, it had its own advantage and happiness. All were happy together...as every body shared what ever food and clothes available! And for the lack of any thing, we had the local church where Jesus was always ready to hear the caries of the poor. There were other deities who also pitched in in case of urgent and crucial needs when anyone specially called upon them! Church attendance and activities were mostly free for the poor which looked after a great burden which otherwise would have increased the difficulties.

Time passed with great speed in which the first two sons grew up fast to support the family with their small jobs and in time they got married to suitable girls and that was it. Once married, they were gone. Now the third child was lost to the little disease of 'karappan' and the rest seven and the father of the children and I remained to eek it out. The father of the children was a great family supporter and very strong at that. His confidence in life was unparalleled. He was a 'he man' according to his little kids. And he stood up for all of them. The fourth girl was at school with her scholarship which was the major main stay of the house. A tower of hope.

The little house we had needed yearly maintenance which was a great burden to all families. It was here the girl proved a boon by providing her scholarship money to get the house redone all the years. She was followed by six more children, four girls with two boys thrown in. The fifth girl was pulled out of school and sent to a tiles factgory to add to the family kitty as my eldest son fell badly sick needing extensive treatment. That was the end of her education. The scholarship girl went on to get a government job and she helped all the rest settle down in life and got all of them married too including hereself. I have difficulty in breathing as I am bed ridden now. Feeding all of them to grow big and loving them all through was an enjoyable work which was the relaxation and satisfaction of life.

The loving husband stood his ground all through in supporting the family asx much as he could and after his heroic job at that departed in good time, just faded away after a long term of work, working till his last day in llife and doing everything for the family and took leave of this world to a massive heart attack which could not be deciphered until after his death. That was common among the poor people of the earlier period as they all had first back pain, then chest pain, followed by pain in the shoulders and hands and again severe chest pain followed by death. No body ever checked what was the pain and it was considerd below decorum to say 'I feel pain' and true to his greatness, he never said it. Our children gave us their love throuogh and through and that made our lives worth. But as time went by and as the children grew into bigger people and acquired their own little families, their love, we doubted, started to be come slightly less, or less and less, which was a feeling which made us think, living in this world is almostg enough. Then was the time, the love of Jesus, St. Mary and Joseph, that loving Holy Family started giving me their love which was slowly replacing the love from my children. I am breathless now. I can't write too much now, but shall continue later.

The village city centre..The Angadi..!

The national high way is a small constriction at the Angaadi entry area when it enters from the south passing the 'Sathram' a place for all the poor on the right. The sathram had been far back during the time of the Maharajas who were very kind to their subjects. They also made several Stone blocks on head high pedestals for helping the head load carriers to unload their heavy loads which they carried on their heads in olden days, so that they could rest a while and then proceed on their long walks. Those were the times of old. The 'athani's are long gone. The sathram was there upto thirty years back which is now gone. No body knows of the disappearance of such things. They just disappear in time. The entry is constricted by the old buildings with tile roofs on both sides and the little box shops attached to them. The drivers of buses and hig vehicles have to be careful not to take away the tiles from the little box shop. The drivers were experts, so such incidents were rare and the vehicles were always careful in road crossings.

Once it passed the central lamp post, the buses stopped on the left to help passengers to alight and to enter. On the same side was a large grocery shop which had a huge verandah which allowed everybody to wait there while they awaited their buses. This was the old style when the shop owners considered their customers as well as those who passed the place greatly and honourably. (Not any , now no shop owners considers the passers by, the whole area volume is considered and kept for the shop with glass coverings or such other new kind of trappings and people other than those exactly came to individual shops are kept out by all means).

On one side was a cobbler who polished the foot wear and made leather chappals and shoes in his spare time. He also did assorted other works as mending old foot wear and ladies bags. Gents in those days never carried any bags. Only elderly, only some of them, carried a leather purse which was local made. He made that too, with a long leather binding tag.

The cobbler sat with his cobblers box full of instruments and his twine and pins, nails and top pins, leather and other attachments for various items he made or repaired. He sat near the dirty waste canal and suffered the stench. Luckily he was unaware of the stench or he had no other go. I never asked him. No body else, I knew, did. Every body thought it is his way of finding his livelyhood and all liked him to be there as it was very convenient to find him just before getting into the bus or when one is in the angaadi (the market, as it was known then) (The word shopping complex etc. were unhead of in those days).

Once in a while I got my leather footwear polished by him and it was a real jolly thing to see him doing it. First rubbing out the dust with his sharp brush. Then applying polish and some kind of while cream on the leather portions. Applying another sharp brush on the cream and polish. Once that was over he applied another smooth brush and then put the two chappals at my feet and looked at me for his little charge for polishing it. It was fifty paise in those days. Several such polishings and a few pairs of chappals or shoes which he made and sold made his day. That was his simple way of living.

Slowly the ready made shoes and chappals started coming in the large town of Trichur nearby and the shops displaying them always attracted the young to it which made the old people ruminate sadly that the 'The old cobbler's time is about to end, he, now, will have to find some other job'.

This proved true before long, and now the village cobbler is gone. The grocery shop gave place to many to use its verandah transformed into a 'super market' and lost the verandah. The bus stop itself moved a furlong further due to extreme traffic congestion. It is now after the cuppola. The cuppola itself has its own history. As the chief diety of the local church is venerated here. He is angel, St. Raphael, the protector and co-traveller of passengers who called on him.

The shoe shops of the Trichur Town, which is the big city grew in style and fashion! And that was the end of an era...!

The Hair Cut....!

The Hair Cut..!

On a free day in Chennai, Rajan and Babu, father and son went for a hair cut. It was a hair cut for Rajan only, but Babu, his son was taking him. This ceremony was old time's sake. There were times they went for a hair cut in the Delhi's Lodi Colony, Meher Chand Market to the Sarojini Nagar's Pillanji, all taken as a leisure trip to talk and be together.

At Lodi Colony of Delhi and the Pillanji of Sarojini Nagar, Rajan used to pay, but now in the Chennai shop, it was Babu's turn to pay. There was not much of a ceremony in any of the places for hair cuts, which is usually called by the people of the places as simply 'Cutting'. It is customary for male members to go for cutting on holidays if the hair has become too much. Ladies in their society never had that necessity of going for cutting, as long hair is always considered to be a lady's charm.

Both Rajan and Babu walked in the hot sun to traverse the half kilometer to the shop on the main highway where among a cluster of shops was the little Hair cutting shop wth a huge painted sign “K K PROPERTIES”. The sign board did not mean any thing as far as the work in the shop is concerned, as this was a people oriented work where only the nearby residents came by searching for the particular shop where it was available, regardless of the board.

The chairs were old but good and the humble professional at the knife was very inviting as it is, in all small shops. Getting inside the shop was great as there was shade in the shop.Coming from the scorching sun outside, it will soothe one like air conditioning. A small overhead fan will cool you down. The barber wished Rajan and Babu and showed Rajan to the empty revolving chair with its high pedestal and foot pedal. There was only one cutter available and hence it was Rajan in the chair first. Saravanan, the cutter straight away went work with his scissors ly and silently. Babu, the son paid for the cut once the cut was over and said he did not need a cut. There was a few times, Rajan remembered that he and his son used to get a cut together. Now, that is being changed. Only Rajan needed a cut, not his son as he had it sometime recently only.

Rajan was lost in thought. When he was young, he used to take Babu a little boy, in those days, for the cut. Then only he had to have the cut and they went together to he cutting shop on Sundays as that was when Rajan was free. Then time went on and they started to be company as his son was growing up. They spoke of umpteen number of things under the sun and going to and from the hair cut shops both in Lodi Colony and Sarojini Nagar.

Then their hair cutting sessions together started repeating in Chennai where they went together for the heck of it. Both could go individually and pay for it, but they enjoyed the company of each other and remembered old times while they could also discuss other interesting family asides. Rajan thought, time is passing too quickly and only he needs the hair cut. The old role has been completely reversed. Now the son is taking the father for a hair cut....!A great drama in time..!

Nostalgia - The power of the little V.I.P.

Nostalgia - The power of the little V.I.P.

When my son was growing up from infancy our main occupation was to play with him and tell him stories and sing lullabies to him whenever he wanted. I could attend to him mostly on the week-ends and evenings. He used to be a great self in asking questions which I could never imagine, from “Why is the moon always up there?, Why can't we go to the moon?, Will it ever come down so that we don't have to go there and so on. When it came to the story of the King and the Lion in which the Lion tries to attack the King and the King suddenly turns and cuts the Lion into two etc. He was curious how did the Lion enter the Palace Garden? Many of my little answers satisfied him and he was appeased. He was only agitated if I went to sleep in between the narration. Then he will sit on my chest and keep asking me “Phir kya hua?” meaning “Then what happened” and will pull my chin. Many a time I got the tether and continued but sometimes when sleep was to heavy, I mixed up and started with “Then the rabbit started running” which at times sent him into laughter and he exclaimed: “There is no rabbit in the Palace Garden, it is the Lion which has to come”. This brought me awake and I repaired the story to the usual King and the Lion. All that has now become old stories and my son has forgotten some of them, like me too! But at times the thoughts recour.

Now my son is grown up and married and he was arriving with his wife and toddler son. The little bundle clung on to me after throwing a beaming smile at me as soon as we met at the Station. He threw the smile with such gusto and intent, for a one year old, I could not resist the feeling of old times and take him in my arms. I thought he was just jumping on to me because I showed my hands, but soon I understood, the real reason. He was set upon taking my spectacles as a little toy and that was the reason for the beautiful enchanting smile. Once on me he straight went to pick up my spectacles and started playing with it, trying different ways of holding it and ultimately holding it on one of its arms and turning it like a fan. I kept of telling him that this was not to be done but he never cared or seemed to understand my point! He kept on turning the spectacles on one of its handles and ultimately my son had to come and pick it up from him which irritated me and the little infant boy alike. I said that he would have been more polite to the little kid and he told me that that way you will normally not get the spectacles back from him in proper form as there is a little engineer in him who will go to work on the spectacles after a while, when the spectacles will be dismantled part by part!

Once the spectacles was rempoved he quickly forgot that part and started enjoying the scenery on the way where the moving vehicles and their horns were a god attraction. In between he lost interest in me and started beaming his little cute smile at my wife and slowly went over to her and started playing with her ear rings and the flowers on her saree. Soon he was to lose interest in all that as the temperature was rising as the day was becoming hot and he once again threw his great smile at his mom who took him in her arms and started giving him milk from his milke bottle. Soon he was asleep on her lap.

Once home and the car stopped he woke up and surveyed the scenario and slowly with sleepy eyes was trying to smile at me and it was time for me to pick him up and thereafter the whole set of cycle repeated it self. Many a time I played with him and at times he came to play with me or make me play. The surprising part was that he got most of his needs by a disarming smile..! He never said anything as he is yet to speak in full syllables, but his smile caught on to every body with whom he came in contact in the near relations and they soon thought out what he may be needing and did it for him. When we think of it, it is marvellous for a little toddler, isn't it?

In between my son came along from his computer works when he wanted a piece of wire or a plug point or some such things he needed in his work and seeing us at play he remarked: “You to make a good company!”

I smiled at him along with the little guy ...! (Thinking...far back he was good company with me..now he has become very serious..!)

Nostalgia - The power of the little V.I.P.

When my son was growing up from infancy our main occupation was to play with him and tell him stories and sing lullabies to him whenever he wanted. I could attend to him mostly on the week-ends and evenings. He used to be a great self in asking questions which I could never imagine, from “Why is the moon always up there?, Why can't we go to the moon?, Will it ever come down so that we don't have to go there and so on. When it came to the story of the King and the Lion in which the Lion tries to attack the King and the King suddenly turns and cuts the Lion into two etc. He was curious how did the Lion enter the Palace Garden? Many of my little answers satisfied him and he was appeased. He was only agitated if I went to sleep in between the narration. Then he will sit on my chest and keep asking me “Phir kya hua?” meaning “Then what happened” and will pull my chin. Many a time I got the tether and continued but sometimes when sleep was to heavy, I mixed up and started with “Then the rabbit started running” which at times sent him into laughter and he exclaimed: “There is no rabbit in the Palace Garden, it is the Lion which has to come”. This brought me awake and I repaired the story to the usual King and the Lion. All that has now become old stories and my son has forgotten some of them, like me too! But at times the thoughts recour.

Now my son is grown up and married and he was arriving with his wife and toddler son. The little bundle clung on to me after throwing a beaming smile at me as soon as we met at the Station. He threw the smile with such gusto and intent, for a one year old, I could not resist the feeling of old times and take him in my arms. I thought he was just jumping on to me because I showed my hands, but soon I understood, the real reason. He was set upon taking my spectacles as a little toy and that was the reason for the beautiful enchanting smile. Once on me he straight went to pick up my spectacles and started playing with it, trying different ways of holding it and ultimately holding it on one of its arms and turning it like a fan. I kept of telling him that this was not to be done but he never cared or seemed to understand my point! He kept on turning the spectacles on one of its handles and ultimately my son had to come and pick it up from him which irritated me and the little infant boy alike. I said that he would have been more polite to the little kid and he told me that that way you will normally not get the spectacles back from him in proper form as there is a little engineer in him who will go to work on the spectacles after a while, when the spectacles will be dismantled part by part!

Once the spectacles was rempoved he quickly forgot that part and started enjoying the scenery on the way where the moving vehicles and their horns were a god attraction. In between he lost interest in me and started beaming his little cute smile at my wife and slowly went over to her and started playing with her ear rings and the flowers on her saree. Soon he was to lose interest in all that as the temperature was rising as the day was becoming hot and he once again threw his great smile at his mom who took him in her arms and started giving him milk from his milke bottle. Soon he was asleep on her lap.

Once home and the car stopped he woke up and surveyed the scenario and slowly with sleepy eyes was trying to smile at me and it was time for me to pick him up and thereafter the whole set of cycle repeated it self. Many a time I played with him and at times he came to play with me or make me play. The surprising part was that he got most of his needs by a disarming smile..! He never said anything as he is yet to speak in full syllables, but his smile caught on to every body with whom he came in contact in the near relations and they soon thought out what he may be needing and did it for him. When we think of it, it is marvellous for a little toddler, isn't it?

In between my son came along from his computer works when he wanted a piece of wire or a plug point or some such things he needed in his work and seeing us at play he remarked: “You to make a good company!”

I smiled at him along with the little guy ...! (Thinking...far back he was good company....now he has become very serious..!)

The Chembarathis and the golden sunset of Thrissur! The sun sets the beach waters into molten gold...!

The neighbourhood tom cat

The neighbourhood tom cat!

The neighbourhood tom cat is a permanent visitor at our Enamavu house. We do not own him and all. He just passes by. He will throw a benign look at me and walk past. Once or twice he came close to me keeping his tail up and meavoing. He was about to rub on my legs he spotted my wife coming from the kitchen and took to his heels. As they both do not go together, he always glanced at me with surprise as to how I am continuing here!

That meeting made a beginning to our relationship. He will be found invariably around whenever we cleaned fish. The local market has a fish seller who brings fish in the evening. That is when we buy our daily needed fish as is usual in Kerala, the southern part of India. Cleaning small fish is easy. Once it is cleaned the left overs will be a delicacy for the tom cat and he patiently waited until I got up to put a few pieces near the coconut palm tree. Once I moved away, it is his time to have his delicacy. It is not that the cat is fully dependent on me. He gets his daily bread by the perspiration of his forehead. For that he moves around when we people are asleep. That is their time where they get their prey.They spend the whole night with wide open eyes to keep watch on the things moving at night and catches hold of whatever is his required prey from among the moving little animals or birds.

On full moon days he will be busy courting the female cats if they are around. We do not know from where they come. They all are there just like the stars in the day sky. We can't see them. They just appear at night and disappear during the day. The full moon days are very bright and the tom cat usually comes to full form on those days. On other days he moves around catching an occasional rat or any such animal for his food. Another of the delicacies were the green frogs which are now very rare.

During the days he retreats to the compound wall top, or to the wfirewood shed where dry palm leaves etc. are stored. Since this is a place which do not get wet even in rainy season he selected it as a safe haven for his day sleep and rest. I discovered him once aftger my trip to a distant place. Once back I was opening the shed to see my old bicycle when all on a sudden there was a commotion from the stored dry palm leaves which startled me. I froze to see if there was any longh snake in the palm leaves. But was soon very relieved to see the tom cat coolly and slowly getting up from among the leaves, climb up to a side stand, turn his head and look at me with glowing eyes with two thin lines at the apple of his eye, yawn ..opening all his mouth and protruding his tounge, almost saying that it was I who startled him from his siesta and looking at me with sleepy eyes. Once the yawn was over he walked or jumped out of the window which did not have a shutter almost saying: “Why don't you coming knocking or come when I am not there? You hum ans make it a habit to disturb others!” I just smiled. I knew him and he knew me. And firewood shed is a perfect place for him where no body disturbs him.

As time went on he picked up weight and was moving slowly. He had lost his earlier agility a bit. I was sad for him. He was aging. In the mean time, a new white she cat appeared with a little one on her side. The little cat started gorwing fast. Once it was almost becoming a youth, the she cat disappeared. Now it was the youth cat and the big tom cat moving around in the compound, at times under the coconut tree or in the near by compound or at the water channel. Once the youth cat was eating a huge rat when the big tom cat came around. The Youth cat reverently moved away leaving the food aside. Initially, the tom cat did not touch it. He just went and lied down near the food and started looking at the youth cat which had settled down a distance away. After a while, the old tom cat started eating slowly. The youth cat moved away.

There was something to the old tom. He was not his old exhuberent self fully. But how much time we can give to an old tom cat. I had to travel and hence to leave the place. After a month or so we returned and found there was a stench coming from somewhere. We went around and could not find anything for a while. Then we found the dead carcass of the old tom near the side of a motor house in the neightbouring compound where no body lives. The old tom cat had kept his regards for us even in old age death. He moved away from our house so as not to bother us with his body in old age. His half decayed body was disintegrating slowly becoming food for the trees and plants around leaving whatever came from the soil back to the soil and enriching it even in his death.

Now only the youth cat is left in the vicinity and he keeps on coming whenever I take fish for cleaning exactly as the old tom cat. Once he had his food he climbs up the compund wall during the day and does his half sleep with a very keen eye to who ever is moving around. From rats to little birds and frogs all he surveys in that sitting and whenever something worthwhile comes to sight then he is all action for a few minutes which is a marvel to see. Once his prey in his mouth he retreats to back of the firewood shed and returns after a while to his earlier position on the wall to lick and clean his hands and paws. By the evening he is more active and gets down to go to other compounds especially on days when the moon is bright!

Reading The Roots - 'Verukal'

The book called 'Verukal'...The roots.

The old novel by Malayatoor Ramakrishnan. Malayatoor as he is popularly known, had written this novel towards the end of his literary career. As is well known in Kerala, he was a member of the IAS and a very senior beaurecrat. From among many of his books, this book seems to be the reflection of his life..!

The angst of a middle aged man when he looks back to his life of youth and childhood, any of us would go through such experiences, which are silently recorded in our minds to be buried wiith us in our graves, when our departed near and dear would rejoice with us on it! Such a situation makes it an unusual story of ayone in any circumstance. Here the author belongs to a Brahmin family, but with relatives of all sorts, rich, poor educated and some in very precarious circumstances.

He paints his Paatavu, Paattti (Grand father and Grand mother) and his own Dad in so colourful paint that they starts living in our hearts and we also feel the pain and love they impart. Through them, we also start seeing in our minds our own Grand mothers and Grand fathers who gave us too much love in their own way and our dads and moms who did everything for us sacrificing themselves!

Nine in Hundredand Fifteen

Nine is Chapter 9, Hundred and Fifteen is Page number 115. Just reached Chapter 9. Only reached, not read as yet. As it takes time to read in this busy world of too many other urgencies like TV, mobile, inter net and all. But the reading shall continue, nonetheless! By the time I reached one hundred and fifteen, the main character of the novel had been through college almost. But not fully. With the candidness of an open youth, he relates his escapades while away to town and college of smoking and slowly trying to quench his curiosity of drinking, first with the local desi 'arrack' and then with the other English liaquor forms like Gin and Whisky. He gets a friend in college called Rajappan who decides run away from the college uninformed and he joins with him in his running away without much thought as all youths do to face the reality later the hard way. As there was no chance of his having heard the story of the 'prodigal son' he slowly sees the reality in the far off city of Madurai (It was a far off city in those days when travel facilities were not this far as we have now) where his friend gets selected to the Army and he is left high and dry as he himself could not get selected. The hardships clears his head and he comes to reality and wise as he is, he takes the decision taken by the prodigal son by returning to his father and home where every body was living only half way due to his unannounced absence from college. That was a time when phone and other facilities were not as prevalent andhis return fills them with new hope.

As we read, if we are in the elderly group, we will be filled with emotions of our youth times and later lifes and we can see our parents whom we may also have pained in some way or the other and the great silent way in which they would have suffered it and still smiled at us and would have discussed among themselves as to what would have happened to us and if we have to be treated for the mild little derangement of youthhood as some one jelous may have tried to poison their loved son through some desi foods etc. In the further treatment in which everyone in the family and near relatives take part it is definitely established (?) that 'yes, it is certainly some body poisoning their loved one which was reason for his loss mind and consequent running away. The boy is treated with ayurvedic medicines and treatment methods in which it is shown that some spirit is in possession of the boy and that spirit is sent away by a priest (temple pujari) which appeases all in the family especially the parents.